detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
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“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
Breaking news:
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
That’s it.I’m out.
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
the best thing i’ve ever made
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist: