Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
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[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?