[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
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Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
When they try to steal your moment.
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
Stop making fast and furious movies.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass