I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
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GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”