Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
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Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
same energy
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
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