If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
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I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses