I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
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Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
some Old Testament wisdom
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…