Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
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Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.