one last job
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When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
Me recordaron éste meme
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
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