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[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful