Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
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The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair