Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
You Might Also Like
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.