Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
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Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
sugar glider wrangler
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐