But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
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CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
two people or more is called a problem
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”