Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
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Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*