Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
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*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
Still my favourite meme.
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
Lmaoo 😂
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.