Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
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Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
Comparing yourself to others
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR