Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
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Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement