Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
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Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
mumsnet is amazing
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?