Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
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I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
repaired
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave