Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
You Might Also Like
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
The Sun’s probably Asian.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
Incredible customer service.
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!