He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
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I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?