My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
You Might Also Like
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave