DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
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The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
CUTE CAT‼︎
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
Travel bloggers during quarantine
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.