My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
You Might Also Like
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
Me sliding into hell like
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
I have obtained a hat
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity