Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
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ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
pls suprot
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.