SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
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If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
Who called it baking and not making love
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.