the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
You Might Also Like
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
🙀🙀🙀😹
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.