Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
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Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.