I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
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how much for the angry fruit?
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
Not even remotely sorry.
synchronized noseblowing
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
Monday Lisa
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*