Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
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If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.