I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
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priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
that wasn’t the question
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart