Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
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*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
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Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.