If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
You Might Also Like
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.