it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
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In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid