just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
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I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.