me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
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Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
We like the way Dwight thinks