“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
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i love meeting boys on tinder
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]