friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
You Might Also Like
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
$4 #usedbooks
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
I am a gravy boat captain
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.