A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
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Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
termite twitter scares me
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome