[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
You Might Also Like
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..