Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
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Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
the greatest twitter interaction
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.