[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
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Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…