Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
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God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
Feel. He’s so soft.
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
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/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
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/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ