[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
You Might Also Like
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
So many pants.
So little yoga.
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
I…do not understand how electricity works.
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun