Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
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I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived