I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
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I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
How about I get 100% off by already being there
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.