like u make the diseases or are against them ?
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*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
I don’t think my car can fly
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
i hope my email finds you on fire
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck