Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
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Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
Plumber: I think I found the problem
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*