2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
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“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”